“Goose and soda please.”

My goodness! What a sophisticated gentle-man of the world we have here. He not only knows what he wants, but he’s not afraid to ask for it by name. Nicely done there. That stuff is vaguely French and costs a lot. Bonus points for the abbreviation. A man like you doesn’t have time for an extra syllable.

Except there are a few problems with this bullshit fantasy scenario. Setting aside the practice of ordering vodka in the first place, which is basically the drinking equivalent of watching reruns of Friends in your hotel room on the big vacation in Disney World, the idea that there is some discernible level of quality between different brands of odorless, tasteless burn water is laughable. What we have here are different marketing campaigns. Some of them have convinced you that hitching your mouth, liver and wallet to their promotion wagon will sprinkle a little magic status dust on your suggestible ass.

Why not just walk up to the bar and admit you are very susceptible to manipulation, incapable of making any decisions for yourself, and will literally drink anything you’ve seen a male model with a watch on stand next to in a magazine?

You know why any type of product adverstises, right? Not because there is ever any difference between brands and they’re dying to get the word out to the people so they can make an informed decision. It’s because at the moment of truth, when a guy like you wanders up to the bar with your cologne on and your clueless grin and your calculated facial hair, they know you are going to panic about not looking like you know exactly what the fuck you are doing at all times. They know that you are basically going to say the first thing that comes to mind, which is the last brand name you saw. That’s why, to sort of streamline this whole process here, I’m coming out with a new line of premium high end vodka called I’m a Boring Cunt Vodka (From Europe!).

Until that marketing campaign rolls out, I’m still totally into Christiana vodka. Not because it’s any different than any other vodka, or because it’s distilled